Today, a guest blog from my friend Deirdre.
Deirdre the runner.
Who would have thought?
Here's how it happened:
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I really wanted to be a runner, so I needed
to find the drive from within cause when it comes to running wanting it and
actually doing it are two very separate things. I surprised myself to learn that my drive can
go from cruise control to burn rubber. I’ll explain.
Last October I read an ad in the local news
paper inviting all levels of runners to an informal running group on a Tuesday
night in a local farmers field. There was a particular emphasis that beginners
were welcome. So armed with only the
will to run I met with the running group for the first time. The trainer went around ascertaining the
levels she was dealing with and while all others claimed to be beginners, I
knew by the look that I was the only one who could truly hold that title. We did our warm up and then got ready to run
the training route; 2km. Some of
the ‘beginners’ did it once, others twice and I got sight of one or two
‘beginners’ doing it three times. That’s 6km!
The trainer and I agreed that maybe for my first time I should stay in
the field and just do the best I could.
So I did. I ran around a field on my own, laughing to myself at the absurdity
of the situation and slagged myself saying ‘oh you’re a runner now’, ‘this is
you living the dream’ but I knew I had to start somewhere so that’s where I
started. Clearly the laughter proved too distracting as I fell more than once
that first night, fortunately the others didn’t see me.
As the winter drew in I kept going on a
Tuesday night, other ‘real beginners’ heard that there was actually complete
novices, (well one, me), at the group and they joined so I did have company
running around the field. When the
nights got dark we moved to a different field that had some lighting, and we ran
around that. This was farming ground
which would have sheep on it throughout the day, so sometimes the sheep in the
field would run with us, sometimes they weren’t bothering. As the weather got
colder, windier and rainy, even the sheep would stay in the shelter and just
look at us running around the field on a Tuesday evening. We ran no matter what the weather, we would
run and chat. The running was hard,
physically. Every Tuesday night I just wanted to quit, stop running and
walk. Sometimes in the early days I
would stop, or we would run so slow we were barely moving. We were so chuffed
with ourselves for just being there on a Tuesday night that we took it easy
around the field. We just did it but
felt totally great for doing it as who else would be out in the pitch dark,
with snow falling to run around a field.
Spring came and we moved back over to the
original field, more people joined, all wanting to get fit for summer, bikinis,
holidays etc. The newbie’s were running up the hills, looking fresher, and
making it look easy as I trudged through every step of the same run. My head
just went into overload. How could this be? They hadn’t trained all winter. They
weren’t there in snow, rain, cold. There was one time we could barely run from
the wind so how could they be lapping me? How could they be running up a steep
hill that I struggled to walk? But it
got worse. I felt like I hadn’t improved at all. What was the point of all the
winter training, the getting out there and doing it, the will to be a runner,
when I just hadn’t improved at all? Every run was physically hurting my body, I
just hadn’t the will to run anymore. At the end of that Tuesday, I went home
disappointed, demotivated, and completely distraught to the pit of my
stomach. I just felt like I would never
crack this running. It's just too hard and it's not for me, maybe I’m not built to
be a runner. I felt how unfair it was for newbie’s to find it easier than me.
Bizarrely and completely unexpected that’s
when it happened, that’s when I found my drive to run. My real drive, my top
gear. The drive that never let me walk a hill again. The drive that when my
legs are tired I’ll push it that bit extra. The drive that doesn’t let me give
up or stop or give in to the ache in my body or the stiffness in my legs EVER. This drive comes from within. It’s a deep
emotional motivation that I didn’t know I had. It’s not about how well others are doing,
faster, further, fitter. I don’t care what anyone else does as long as I’ve
pushed myself, I’ve done the best I can do, and I am not disappointed in my own
performance.
Yep showing up that first Tuesday took
drive and courage to be there, completely out of my comfort zone and on my own.
Then to continue to show up every Tuesday; hail, rain or snow in the debts of
winter also took motivation, drive and commitment. I’m not disputing that, yes they all got me
to my 4th gear drive. The one that will not let me fail. It took
months and naturally I thought the fact that I was attending a running class
was the most driven thing I had achieved but it wasn’t. The trigger for my 4th gear was
emotional failure. I hit a wall that night. I now call it black Tuesday. And I
know now that if I stop or give up what
that can feel like. The bitter sting of personal disappointment in my gut is
far worse than any muscle ache I feel when I’m out running.
That’s how I found my drive.
What drives
you?
