I couldn't

My sister came over for a few days.
It was lovely; we chatted, drank tea, went shopping, watched movies.
Normal sister-stuff. It's those things you miss when you live in different countries.

My sister is pregnant.
Which is amazing!
And I'm thrilled to become a real-real aunty for the first time.
(Yes I have a niece and nephew on The Husband's side, but this is real-real.)

So I went shopping with my pregnant sister.
She bought baby-stuff; some lovely little newborn vests, sleepsuits, a cardigan, tiny bibs and a cute hat.
She's also been sending me photos of the nursery they've chosen, the highchair they like, links to the daycare they are looking at and the pram mam and dad are buying them. 
For the baby in her tummy that will be born in about 24 weeks time.

I didn't do that stuff.
I couldn't.
My heart and head didn't allow me.

I lost three babies before getting pregnant with Big Brother.
And with those babies I lost the trust in my body.
The trust in my body, that it would do what it was, allegedly, designed to do.
It failed me, over and over and over again.
Why would it work out this time?
Why would it be different?

But as the weeks passed that baby stuck.
And grew.
And the realisaton that we might just be bringing this baby home started to come.
So we had to get ready.

I can still remember the first thing I bought for Big Brother: five vests, in Dunnes, with Humpty Dumpty on them.
I cried. In the shop. In the car. And at home.
I also cried when I bought the first pack of nappies.
There were a lot of tears.

I didn't enjoy my pregnancies. Not Big Brother's pregnancy and not Little Brother's pregnancy.
It was survival.
Hoping, but no allowing yourself too much hope.
Trying to look ahead, but not too far.
One day at a time.
I wasn't happy until I held that baby.

Both boys were born full term, healthy, happy, doing great.
So I can't complain. I shouldn't complain.

But sometimes it hurts.
That I couldn't be as thrilled about a baby in my tummy as my sister is.
That I couldn't get excited about cribs and cots and baby baths and changing tables and nursery colors and nappy bags.
That I couldn't buy lovely little newborn vests, sleepsuits, a cardigan, tiny bibs and a cute hat.
For a baby that would be born 24 weeks later.